In this post, I advocate for respectful communication, at home, at work, and in everything we do. That requires true listening and mastery over our egos.

Most people believe the key to effective communication is found in the talking. Yes, the words being communicated must be clear, but believing it is all about the speaker, rather than including those being addressed, is a true recipe for failure. 

Successful communication is a two-way process between the sender of the message and its receiver, both actively participating in the exchange and both being respectful and attentive. Without this, all we have is chaos, positioning, and misunderstanding.

While the spoken or written word is essential to delivering the intended message, the key to real understanding is found in listening. So much so, that Dr. Joyce Brothers, the well-known American psychologist, said, “Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery,” and American author Christopher Morley said, “There is only one rule for being a good talker; learn to listen.”¹

What good are eloquent messages if no one actively listens to them? Or respectfully understands and responds to them?

All too often, the listener does not listen responsibly. Our minds often wander or we are already focused on what we are going to say next rather than giving our total attention to the words being said. Or we have our defenses in play before we even hear the message, based upon the topic itself, the person speaking, or our biases (either conscious or unconscious) and assumptions.

That is no way to communicate and certainly no way to debate. 

This is not a political post, but this example is too good not to include here. Liberal political analyst Van Jones shared something on his Instagram the other day that is not only revealing, but a lesson for everyone. He shared he was surprised to receive a message – an invitation – from conservative activist Charlie Kirk the day before Kirk was killed by a sniper in Utah. Jones said he and Kirk were “beefing hard” over the last week when Kirk messaged him the following: “Hey, Van, I mean it. I’d love to have you on my show to have a respectful conversation… I would be a gentleman as I know you would be as well. We can disagree about the issues agreeably.”²

Wow. It’s a shame Kirk didn’t live long enough to host Jones and have that civil discussion. But it is something insightful to remember as we go about communicating with one another in the days to come.

Here, then, are some suggestions for respectful communication.

1. Senders and receivers both commit to actively participating in the exchange, staying on point, and refusing to interrupt or personally attack one another.
2. Frame our messages in easy to understand language and consider how those messages may be misconstrued before delivering them. Rework your messages based on what you discover from taking this extra step.
3. Deliver your messages in a clear, straightforward manner. It’s okay to show emotion about the topic, but never in a way that attacks or disparages those with differing opinions.
4. Make a pledge to yourself to listen attentively to the messages – not just hear them – and process them before responding. That way, your responses will be more focused, clear, and useful in moving the conversation forward.
5. Take a short pause whenever you feel yourself becoming angry, and remind yourself that communication is more effective when civility is maintained. A few measured breaths will help you maintain your composure. We, too, must learn and make it a constant practice when we disagree to do so without being disagreeable.

And remember one other thing when developing your message. It’s from none other than the legendary American author and speaker Mark Twain, who said, “It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”³ It was his amusing way of telling us to think before we speak.

We often don’t have the luxury of sufficient preparation time when participating in an unexpected or daily conversation, but you get the idea. Words are powerful and must be used carefully. Communication is not about us or our egos; it’s about the messages sent and the messages received.

REMEMBER…

◊ The American dramatist Lillian Hellman said, “I like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak,” and the Italian journalist, Italo Calvino said, “It is not the voice that commands the story; it is the ear.”⁴

◊ Learn more by reading the article, “Effective Communication – Improving Your Interpersonal Skills,” by Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A. Follow this link: https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/effective-communication 

◊ Visit www.davidajolley.com for additional blog posts, other interesting content, and updates on future book releases and appearances.

1. https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/communication-quotes ↩︎
2. Nava, Victor, “Liberal CNN Analyst Van Jones shares ‘shocking’ message Charlie Kirk sent to him – a day before assassination – calling for a ‘respectful dialogue.” The New York Post, September 20, 2025 ↩︎
3.  https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/communication-quotes_2 ↩︎
4.  https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/communication-quotes_3 ↩︎